I like breaking all of the rules

Wrong turn at Albuquerque...

Thank you for stumbling across my page. It was not by happenstance..it was in the stars..


Lacuna Fantasy

You are in the shower, leaning against the cool tiles while the warm water rushes down your skin….can you feel it? Take a moment, and immerse yourself…

When you close your eyes, what is the first thing you see? Is it colorful splashes of reds and blues, coming together into a hazy, fuzzy picture of a dream world? Is it darkness, so black and void of sight, and sound, engulfing the senses?

So, what do you see? What do you fabricate, memories of times long passed? Do you feel dread of hopes and dreams lost? Or the ecstasy that is to come?

When you close your eyes, your other senses become enhanced. As you focus on each, they are more and more acute. You hear your breath, in and out, softly, almost seductively, as the water covers your head and drowns out any other sounds. You then feel the water around you moving, all over your skin, as if caressing you. It sends chills up and down your spine. You feel exposed, vulnerable, but keep your eyes shut tight, you are about to go down the rabbit hole that is your mind, and you cling to it… You settle more comfortably, relaxing into yourself. Your mind now is able to explore, while your physical self is in a meditative state.

You begin to think of him, or her. You slowly see their face come into focus as if watching it on the big screen. Your favorite attributes are highlighted. Their smile, sweetly curled, their eyes lighting up at the sight of you..or maybe their hands, and their strength, longing for them to touch you. You hear them, softly as though whispering in stereo and you are suddenly aware of your physical self as you feel aroused by their presence. You hear their voice and laughter, maybe some sweet seductive words you have longed to hear them speak to you.

In the beginning you are playing back in your mind a combination of memories, slightly altered for your benefit. Something you once heard them say, but now they are saying it to you. You have studied their mannerisms enough, you know how they move, and you now control them..towards you.

Or…. maybe they are walking away?

Now they are swimming in a deep pool… The beauty of this fantasy, you control everything. Rewind, fast forward…pause. New setting…different atmosphere, you are the puppet master.

You walk towards the beautiful crystalline waters, holding the gaze of the one you are imagining. They look at you, in just the way you want them to. They compliment you, telling you how beautiful you are… Maybe they are playful, bashfully splashing you, teasing you to come join them.

You now toy with yourself, you are in control, but are enjoying the anticipation of where this fantasy might go. You enter the water. It is cool, but not too cold to be uncomfortable, but cooler than your skin that had been touched by the sun shining above in a black sky filled with kaleidoscope stars, in a purple Universe.

This fantasy of yours, moves to you, you feel them tangle their fingers into yours. They draw you to them, still smiling, still staring into your eyes. You are out of breath…only breathing them in…Are you satisfied with this blissful moment? Are you drawing out the next intimate moment of an embrace? Maybe you exchange a few words, or a meaningful conversation.

Do you go further, do you let any inhibitions go, and take your fantasy head on. What are you wanting from this moment that is yours and yours alone? A release? A courageous effort to practice what you are hoping to one day speak to them?

You let loose fully to this fantasy of yours..

Abruptly it stops, as it must…because this is not your reality. Just a lacuna fantasy. Where you fill the void when the rest of the time your eyes are wide shut.

To escape…

to belong…

to feel….


My Little Secret..

So, I have been slacking on my Blogging 101 assignments.  Life has been pulling me in multiple directions lately.  I have a tendency to constantly fill my time slots up before I have actually confirmed anything…I am a planner, and I need to know the what when where and why of everything.  I sound difficult don’t I?  Well, I am..so what..probably a good reason as to why I am single, ha!

OK, so now I have to tell you why I wrote my last post.  Well honestly, I didn’t like the challenge, it made me think too hard.  I posted a silly poem, and every damn line rhymed (open mouth, insert finger, now gag…I said GAG!!, oh, that’s right, no gag reflex..)  TMI?

What can I say about it though?  It was a new design for me to use in expressing real feelings.  It felt uncomfortable posting in that way.  I am not sure why.  It is easier for me to tell you straight up that this was about a guy, (duh), that I totally dig, (obviously), and the desert was the plot setting cause that’s where I live hahaha..there done and done…wait no?  Not done..uughh ok..what else can I say?

Well I switched it up on ya, like a pinch hitter..hey batta-batta-batta-batta….For those of you not so sports inclined..check out the link..yes I am being lazy, I shouldn’t have to explain this.  I guess because it WOULD be easier for me to go into detail about how smitten I am over my blue eyed crush.  Instead the allure of a poem, leaves a crumb trail without being so blunt..and lets your own imagination soar with it.

I suppose it could also tie in nicely with an older assignment of ours where we had to write about our dream reader.  Check out the link …I rather enjoyed that one.

Well, I did the assignment, however I feel that if I was in high school again, my literature teacher would probably give me a “C” on this and tell me she has seen pigs give a better effort, (yes she actually told me this..wrote it in red ink on a final paper)  Ahhh, how I miss those days.  Well, what do you think?  You are my readers…what do you enjoy more from me?  Forced word vomit or speaking from my heart in a more natural setting?

And now a little ditty..love me some Jude..

In the Desert


The breeze cools my skin, as your breath takes me in

I loose myself in your eyes, a gaze to contend any prize

They are blue as the ocean, and warm as the sand

Fiery as the sun, setting on the land

As twilight lays its blanket across the sky

I feel your hand upon my thigh

As you pull me in to your embrace

We have never been this close, face to face

I want to taste your lips on mine

Your salty sweetness, so divine

My heart has quickened, to a much faster beat

And you are sending shivers from my head to my feet

When my head stops spinning and our eyes meet once more

I know you are mine, to love…forever more..

Time Capsule


I recently visited my mom.  My semi-annual trip I take to “Hell”.  Before you get all judgmental and say I am lucky to have a mom, blah blah blah, I DID have a mom, and I called her Grandma, before she passed away.  Anyways, with all of the things I went through as a child with her, she is still my mom.

 Moving along…she has kept I think, every bit of scrap paper I ever wrote on as an adolescent.  Every news paper clipping, doodle..she has it.  Browning, and moth chewed, she still possess it.  On the most recent venture, she bestowed unto me a journal that I had written in class during middle school.    One of those “prompt” writing lessons.  Ya know, the kind that the teacher wrote a short sentence to get the juices flowing in your brain for first period.  Then, you wrote down the answer, or statement of opinion sort of thing.

What is cool about this, is that my daughter is currently in middle school.  She is a few years younger now, than I was when I wrote my entries.  Makes me wonder what her responses would be, would they be similar…or different?  So, here I will share a few with you.  Feel free to answer along with me.  These were statements and opinions of a 13 year old girl…would you have agreed with her 20 years ago?

  1. Feelings about this Middle School – This is my first year here and I like it a lot.  I get to ride the bus again and see other people.  I was home schooled for 7th grade.  I’m making a lot of new friends and I like my teachers, too.  I guess what I like about Taylor the best is that nobody cares what you look like or who you hang out with, they just leave you alone. – how innocent I was back then, but still true to myself to the end.
  2. Safe or Not? – Yes I do feel safe at here because people aren’t hassling you or trying to make trouble.  The teachers are nice and they don’t make you feel stupid or that you don’t belong. – prior to this school I was home schooled for a year after I was left for dead at my 6th grade middle school when a bunch of gang members jumped me.  My mom was a sub, and turned in some of the female students for smoking pot.  They had their boyfriends take it out on her 11 year old daughter.
  3. I think good communication is important in a family because... – You have to understand each other no matter what relation you have with the person.  The only way people will know you by is your actions and the way your physical appearance looks.  That’s how most people categorize other people. – Hahaha!!  I was trying my best to convey what I meant, you get the gist…right?
  4. A time I wanted to be left alone to think.. – One day after my grandfathers death I went to my room, closed the door and thought about life.  How things grow, and then die.  How things are young then one day old.  I guess that day, I really learned a lot about life. – deep stuff for a young’n…even then, I knew the frailty of our lives.
  5. Describe your personality and your families personalities.. – I am pretty nice most of the  time, unless I am in a bad mood.  My family is nice to other people but mean to me, at least I feel that way about them.  What I mean is that they say one thing to me but something totally different to another person about me. – I don’t know about you…but was I a total Emo kid???  My family taught me what I knew about the meaning of two faced.
  6. Changes – I would not change anything about myself because I like the way I am.  There isn’t any tiny itsy bitsy thing about me that I don’t like. – confident chick right there...
  7. Some of the ways I express my Individuality are… – The way I look, talk, act, and dress.  I think even if we tried to be like someone else we couldn’t because there is something special about all of us that singles us out.  If we would be the person we were made to be, then we would feel great. – modern day philosopher right there..missed my calling I think..


Some pretty silly jabbering of a teenager, however, it is the innocence I want you to look at.  Or, maybe not…By the age of 13, I had gone through more than some have in a full lifetime.  My young body carried an old soul in it.  It was pretty cool to see these, plus many other entries that I will spare you.  My thoughts and feeling haven’t changed, just the way I articulate it.

I know this post is far from my norm..but..opens a few doors to some of my future posts.  Stay frosty out there…I got your six..

Cry Wolf…


The symbol for chaos – noun – a state of utter confusion or disorder.

So, I have been away for a few days…lost in remorse, confusion, whole meaning of life.. deep sort of stuff.  A recent event has shaken my soul so deeply to the core, I needed a few days before I could even put the event into words.  Debated on even writing about it here, but as this outlet has brought much peace to my heart and mind, thought why not.

I have slacked on my tasks for ZerotoHero due to this, but never fear, I don’t ever put down a task without seeing it to an end, so never fear my fellow classmates, you will see me in your feed soon enough.  For now, I must get this out of my mind the only way I know how.  As always, comments are always welcome.

20:35, alarms are sounding…in my position and circumstance, I must respond to them, my authority where I live asks this of me.  Normal response time is less than 5 minutes, check building number, silence alarms, now must trek down to building to check for any emergencies, and call station for false alarm and to not dispatch.  Residents in their pajamas great me by name as I walk by them, also in my pajamas.  Damn it, of course a light jacket was not enough to keep the breezy night air from penetrating my thread worn pajamas.  Once at my destination, was as always is, a kid pulled the alarm, or a false trip.  Witnesses saying an adult female pulled it, after fighting with her brother, then ran off.  Typical, even adults now-a-days have no sense of responsibility.  These alarms are here for EMERGENCIES..get it?

So, now trekking back to the office to call alarm company to not dispatch fire department, and go to maintenance shop to find the reset tool.  Thirty minutes later, I am now back in my own apartment, ready for bed, begging for the pillow under my head as the week has worn itself on me.  No sooner had I drifted off to sleep, was I jerked awake by the sounds of the alarms once more.  Grumbling some obscene words under my breathe, throwing clothes on , arm going through head hole, now pants on inside out, ugghh fingers work the zipper!  I am tired of these “cry wolf” scenarios…

I grab the essential, office keys, phone, and of course my mace.  The demographics where I reside, well, let’s just say, a girl must always protect herself.  My mace comes in handy enough, or like my mom always said, a kick to the nuts and run was fail proof.  Now heading out the door, deafened by the pounding sounds of the alarms echoing through the concrete halls, I check my phone.  What I thought had only been an hour or two, was actually 04:48 in the morning!  Now even more irritated that I could have slept (and really used) that one more hour I would have had.

This time, my maintenance supervisor who also lives on property, met me half way, both of us struggling a good morning under our breath that floated out in the crisp air.  We tag team it usually, I go silence, while he resets.  Had I known what was about to happen to me, I would much rather have been one of those sleepers that the world could be ending and be oblivious.  However, I am not that fortunate, never have been.  The next two hours were to etch itself into my memory, I fear for eternity.

As we crossed the parking lot, what appeared to be a belligerent man yelling about the alarms and to call 9-1-1 came stumbling towards us.  For privacy purposes, I will call my fellow co-worker, Curtis, yelled at the man to go back inside his home.  The man we will call Jared, yelled back he had pulled the alarm, which Curtis retorted, “You can’t pull the fucking alarms,’ its for emergencies, go back in your apartment”….

Now..let us back up a second…..

A short sweet background for you is that the woman who had earlier pulled the alarm, resides in the building this man came from.  She lives with her elderly mother, whom allows her to be a squatter there along with the other drug addicts, and down right troublesome characters.  If you haven’t clued in yet, I am a property manager for an apartment complex.  So, these people have given us issues and problems, and I was looking for any reason to get rid of them, however there are laws in housing that makes it much harder to do that, even if they are bad news.

So, as Curtis turns to proceed to the office, I stop, and turn towards the man who is now about a yard from me.  My hands in my pocket, I turn the safety off of my mace…ready for anything really.  I do a quick lot check and only see him, but you can never be too cautious.  My Sandman’s grogginess effect wearing off, and the alarms still banging my ear drums make for a lot of confusion.  When the man, Jared, who had been clutching his arms to his chest, stretches them to his sides…his once crisp white t-shirt, suddenly darkens, instantly, pooling out and making strange patterns across it.  “I was stabbed”, he gurgles.  Now realizing his demeanor was NOT of a drunken person, but struggles of a man in pain…his original sound of sarcasm was of one who was in shock..and now, I, was the one, in an utter state of chaos.

Frozen, locked in that moment, I wanted to speak but could find no words, I wanted to run, but found myself only staring, I wanted to help but my feet were laced with concrete shoes.  There is always the thought of, “What if I was in this moment, what would I do”…well..I panicked, at first.  I could see myself almost like an out of body experience.  Thoughts flying through my head.  Was I asleep, warm in my bed dreaming this horrible scene?  No..this is real, I could tell by the frost touching my bare toes in my flip flops.  Where the alarms rang in my ears, now only the sound of my heart beating harder than I had ever felt.  The adrenaline forcing itself so instantly through my body, that my head felt cold and light as if my body was being lifted off of the ground.  My 9mm sitting safely in my apartment, I craved the heaviness of it in my pocket.

Then, a rushing came to my ears, and Curtis’ voice and face as he grabbed me shaking me to call 9-1-1.  I came to…I rushed to the man, helped him to sit down, and pressed his hands back to his chest to apply the pressure, slow the severed artery from spilling the blood over unto him.  Aware now of my surrounding fully, I am now on the phone with the dispatcher, clearly communicating, and repeating the questions, reporting back to dispatch, check my back, not knowing if the person who had done this would come running to finish the job, and me being a bystander be in that cross fire.  Curtis returned to my side with gloves and towels for us.  We cared for the man as best as two civilians with zero training could think to do.  As we adjusted Jared, with every beat of his heart, the blood flowed from his would, unlike anything I have seen in the movies.  The smell, the look, the feel of human blood in the quantity that it was, haunts me..every time I blink, or let my mind wander.

The rest was the clean up, paramedics, fire trucks, police, detectives.  Breaking in the door and finding the woman who had earlier caused the disturbance by falsely pulling the alarms with blood on her hands.  Her screaming and fighting, the pain in her voice, the pain of her inner demons that were in her she was battling.  I couldn’t help but feel absolutely helpless for both of these individuals.  I was angry, sad, distraught.  Tired and feeling like a semi truck had hit me, finally allowed to leave after giving multiple statements, I got home, and threw myself into the shower.  I had been careful to not get blood on me..but as I sat there, letting the heat soak into me, small blood droplets that had splattered on my feet started to wash down the drain..

Bile rose in my throat, and the need to purge was upon me.  I scrubbed my body ferociously, trying to remove the whole scene from my mind, erase it…the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind..just wanting them to cease.  As soon as I was done, drying off..I had to get back in, the feeling of being impure was still there.  No matter how long or hard I washed, or hot the water was, the pictures were etched into my eyes.

The rest of the day carried on, as it had too.  Kids were taken to school, but I swear, I do not remember one single traffic light.  Phones at work answered, media to direct to PR, clients to serve…and the questions in my head.  Where previously, just hearing about a situation like this, I might have different feelings.   Might chime in with the rest, “Just another crack head off of the streets”…but, he was a person…he bled, just as any of us would have.  He screamed, and moaned in agonizing pain, as would I..he was scared..as would any of us be…

This, ties around to a lovely story I read on Totally Inspired Mind…  She writes very elegantly of a boy, Jonathan, who is inspiring..where this story is one of uplifting encouragement, and a palette cleanser to mine, there is a story none the less, which the lesson in itself, I hope you as a reader will find.  We MUST recognize each others innocence, and vulnerability as a species.  We must find our inner humanitarian..we must “serve one another”, love, care for, show compassion..protect..if we do not..it is all for naught.  Please follow this link to the amazing quote from a movie of the late and great Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator, and read the quote of the Jewish Barber..one of my favorites of all times..

The Butterfly Effect…


So, before we get started **DISCLAIMER** – this is NOT about some crush rant on Ashton Kutcher or the film.  This post is in response to our assignment today from Blogging University.  Our mission if we chose to accept it was to create a post revolving around our About page.  Seems very egocentric to me, why would someone want to come to my page to read about me?  They can just click on Who..Me? and see what I want them to see, if they choose to know anything about me.

I am not very attention seeking, so this challenge, well…is challenging.  How do I freaking write about why I chose my “About me” profile??  This seems so absolutely boring to me, as I am not a very exciting person to begin with, however none of you know that.  If I want you to think I am adventurous, then that’s what I could show you.  O.K., calm down..focus..hmm..my analytic mind hopping off on one of her damn bunny trails again.

So, let us dissect…and no..I don’t mean the pretty butterfly..but maybe you are getting the hint towards the title?

My mind truly runs a million miles a second.  If you read the simple short and sweet statement, it is very chaotic up in here.  I really need a release and source of venting all of these pent up words in my mind.  Where do these thoughts come from?  Well, from emotions my fellow bloggers and readers.  Where do the emotions stem from??  The wonderful biochemistry of our brain, from the Limbic system!  Have I lost you yet..hang in there, no lobotomy required, I eventually get around to making my points. I like taking the scenic routes..

So, without being a neurologist (which I am not), or being totally obsessed with Quantum Physics (which I am), it is fairly easy to see how it is all related.  The very interesting theory named by Edward Lorenz, basically states that our cause and effect could start at the one point, but the end result could always vary.

Take for example, and this is very rudimentary, but you go to work, taking the same route everyday.  One day there is road construction and a detour is placed in front of you, no other option but to go down this new path.  Seems typical enough right?  This happens a lot.  So, you go along with the signs leading you to your destination, however, now you are late.  You show up and the V.P. of the company is there, looking for heads to chop to save overhead.  You are so nervous, you forget to tuck in your shirt, tie your tie, wear your name tag, and now fumbling for the most impressive words to keep you from being one of the heads chopped.  In your nervous demeanor, you now trip over your own two feet, and slamming into this already very forbidding person, spill extremely hot coffee in his face!  Now, collecting your things and placing them into a filing box, you are headed out the door, back down that same detour….

What the heck just happened?  Did the detour throw you off your game that much?  Had it not been there, would you have been early, pulled together as usual, quick thinking and slick speaking.  Shaking hands and receiving that promotion you deserved?

So, in this example, I showed you how we let actions, dictate our reactions, and emotions which in turn is that snow globe effect of thoughts spinning around in our heads, the “what-if’s”, “if only”..woulda coulda shoulda….The way I come out of this fog, the only peace I ever get, is to let some of these thoughts escape..my fingers typing feverishly across the keys..I literally go on auto pilot.  So, I guess I can’t be faulted for what my mind decides to disclose..if, you believe in the butterfly effect..

My hopes, leading from my profile..are to inspire others..to let loose, let your chaos flow.  Maybe not in your blog, if you love flowers and are passionate about that, more power to you..but maybe, one day you can wear your hair down..or come home and spin your wife around while she is cooking dinner and deliver the most passionate kiss ever.  Whatever it is…change your cause..you never know what effect you might receive..

Check out this pretty awesome video of cause and effect with the score of one of my favorite trip hop artists..





Don’t Look Back


Many times in life we are given opportunities to say goodbye. Sometimes by our own choice, and others forced. It may be a lover who the heat between you fizzled and replaced with an abyss of pain, guilt, and anger. A loved one passing, and the pain of not saying “I love you” enough haunts you everyday. Or best friend moving across country and the best intentions laid to “keep in touch”. Whatever good bye you have had to give…there was pain.

So, why do we reject it? Why is it so easy to tell someone, “Oh, you will forget all about…”. I’m sorry..excuse me? We each grieve in our own way, cope, endure, whichever it is for you..does not mean the next person will the same. It seems to have become an uncomfortable and awkward white elephant in the room, so much easier to say “It will be O.K.”. Who are we trying to convince though? Ourselves? Do we mean it? Why not just reach out and give someone a hug…a shoulder to cry on…why must we suddenly become experts in good bye, when faced with it ourselves would become a crumpled piece of paper on the floor.

Why do we say, “Don’t look back”? Why the hell not?? This is how we learn, yes it’s fucking painful, but deal with it! Then, the proper thing would be to …move on. So, I say..always look back..because if you don’t remember where you came from.. the demons on your heels will.


Dear John…


How many times have we held each others gazes, locked in another realm where time stands still around us.

Our conversations drawn out, never awkward, only lingering on every syllable as to make it last.

The electrifying current between us like a Tesla coil could incinerate any being who dare walk between us.

With each passing life, we are like two parallel lines, never intersecting.

Fated to stand by each others side and behind this glass wall.

Never to hold..to touch..to slap..to kiss..to laugh..to wipe the tears..to scream..to make love.

We can only share each others secrets and clasp our hearts to each owns chest as to not let anyone know our feelings.

They can never know…they would never understand.

Such judgments would be laid upon us as to smite out our spirits..and our undying secret love.


Be True to Yourself…

Today’s assignment for Blogging 101 was to take a look at our theme and choose at random, ones we would not typically choose.  I get the concept..I totally do.  However, peer pressure never worked on me in adolescence and it sure as hell won’t now as a grown adult!  For me, change is difficult, but when I have accepted it, I am good to go.  I also feel about blogging and the theme I express is all based on my inner feelings and character.  If I decide to go to a floral, bright page..it’s almost like a whore walking into mass with her Central best on.  I am many things, but a hypocrite I am not.

Ha, so today, I will rant over the assignment rather than do it.  Who knows, maybe a month down the road, my design will change, but that’s my choice to make and at the time I choose fitting.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”- Dr. Seuss



How About a Quarter and We’ll Call it Even, Steven…

My inspiration for what flows off of my fingers and from my mind is like trying to comprehend how we can go to sleep and keep breathing.  It just happens.  My brain always functions much quicker than my mouth (which has many times over gotten me into trouble).  “Think before you speak”…oh how many times I could tell you I have heard that!  My thoughts fly through my cerebral cortex, just as quickly as a neuron fires.  When the urge is there and I am not in front of my laptop, I either scribble a short hand illegible note, or the moment is lost forever.

The decision to blog came to me just as quickly.  I figured, well now is as good of time as any, and if I don’t do it now, I never will.  Writing brings peace to me where I would otherwise stay up in bed, staring at the ceiling with these words T-boning my jumping sheep..It has also become the most therapeutic way for me to cope with stress and the difficult daily process we call life.  Breaks down the day, reflect, learn from mistakes, create new ideas, clean slate.

To be perfectly honest, follow the link to my first post, was inspired by events that continued to stir up in my life, until I decided to literally rip the band-aid.  I cannot explain to the full extent as to where my decisions come from.  However, when I do, or when I commit to something, no one better stand in my way.  Once this happens, I find eternal peace.  I figure, well, I can sit around worrying and pondering forever more, or make a choice and stick with it.  Two outcomes are possible, I make a poor choice and I deal with the consequences, or I propel myself in the direction I wanted to go.  Either way, a lesson learned or a reward, I have bettered myself.  And no one but ME got me there.


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