I like breaking all of the rules

The boys Only love Me when They’re lonely

Life has taken me down many paths.  I have played many different roles too, daughter, friend, lover, mother, wife.  The one that was the most haunting was the “other” woman.  Played out through cyber correspondence, or an affair in the back seat on a hot summer night, the lingering effects are taboo, but addicting.  Don’t get me wrong, this is neither to have pity for me, or inspire an affair you might have been plotting, just simply my story.  My feelings on the roller coaster of human emotions we either choose to keep subdued, or act upon.

I cannot tell you the first time it ever happened, but I do know, the first taste of the adrenaline rush was when I was innocent to the affair.  My first emotion was anger, then disappointment, then heartache, ending in confusion.  What had just happened?  I kissed his lips, felt his hand slide up my shirt and across my flesh.  The reel playing over and over in my mind.  Wait, I can’t see you again?  You don’t know when, oh…right..I get it..You are 1) taken, 2) engaged, 3) married…Sitting pondering the event, why had that just happened?  The thoughts of “If I had known..” crept into my mind.  Then the sensation of the thrill of it..these butterflies that returned after my stomach stopped churning were different.  I had done a bad…bad thing…and I liked it.

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So what did that mean?  Was I a totally horrible person?  The after effects were a mixture of regret and anticipation to feel that same sensation again.  What would the other woman think?  Say?  Feel?  Would she find out?  I could only compare it to what I know I would feel.  I had been cheated on, we have all for the most part felt that heartbreak, and now I was participating in it..no..delighting in it.  The question was still “why?”.  I was not some concubine looking to raise my family into the higher court of the Kingdom.  I was just some chick, getting hers.  Technically, I was a home wrecker, slut, whore…yes, all of the above.  I never set out with intentions of it.  I didn’t troll around seedy bars to find my next poor sap falling off his stool looking for some overdue attention to his manhood.  However, I didn’t hesitate either when a gentleman caller would want a fix, and I became knowledgeable of the situation at hand.

Was it the affection I was craving?  That sought after feeling of being “wanted”.  Is this some poor “I didn’t have a daddy growing up” complex I am abusing?  Maybe, or maybe not..  We have the ability to change our paths, and to make our own choices.  Free will was the greatest gift ever given to us.  Without getting into religious quotes and bible thumping..yes, I do have a conscience.  So why did it keep drawing me back?  Why couldn’t I just say no?  Because I didn’t want to.

The rawness of an affair is unlike any other.  There are no shows to be put on.  No insecurities.  Your previously bound and gagged doppelganger is let loose and you can be who you have always secretly wanted to be in bed.  No prude moments when time is of the essence.  Passion and a need of release is driving you hard to the finish line.  The others eagerness intensifies the moment and it’s your time to shine.  “Oh baby that’s right, you wish your woman could do this to you..”, then reciprocated with, “I wish SHE would let me do this to her”.  Harder, faster, your heart is going to burst from your chest.

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Then the moment is over..a quick clothes check, phone check..we are good.  Almost as if a business exchange just took place, we are now dressed shaking hands and turning opposite directions from the parking lot.  The come down now occurs and the self reflection always takes its place.  I am the one going home alone.  Empty handed.  My 30 minutes of glorious fame, yes please hand me my Oscar now, is over.  

Is this what I have become.  The fluffer for the others relationship.  To go home to a warm house, a kiss on a cheek and an “ignorance is bliss” maxim to live by.  I know what you are thinking..screaming at me in your head.  Karma bitch..haha..if you only knew.  It’s not a mistake if repeated time and again right?  So why do the boys only love me when they are lonely?

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8 responses

  1. wow. deep thoughts and questions litter the story. why do we make the wrong choices? why, when we know that something is bad, do we still choose to do it? why, despite the pang of guilt do we continue in it?

    free will is a gift and also a curse! bad is sweet! the high and the exhilaration keeps us hooked and wanting more. we can’t not go back and do it again…until we are caught or get our hearts broken.

    going on, we become someone we can’t recognize. we hate who we become and yet can’t go back..or so we tell ourselves.

    not to sound religious, “stolen waters are sweet” says the bible but then the end is bitter or something like that. passion defies logic and even the warning of danger do not restrain us…. somehow we still must make the effort to tear ourselves from its binding spell..

    April 10, 2014 at 9:16 am

    • Beautifully stated topazo! I am very happy I have invoked these feelings and questions in you while reading my words. My intent is for each owns personal emotions to be brought forth and stir them up with great force. We tend to shove them deep down inside us, and they settle, but are still there. We all have a dark side. Some more willing to accept themselves for who they are and admit to the inner thirst we have. I am pleased to have received this response from you.

      April 10, 2014 at 2:42 pm

  2. A better question is why do you enjoy destroying other women? Sounds like a power trip. Psychopathic? It’s more common than you think.

    April 10, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    • Nephila, I appreciate your feedback. Keep in mind these are true emotions and feelings expressed through word to give the reader food for thought. The rhetorical question is more for a self reflection for the reader, not myself. As a writer, we do not leave trails hoping to please everyone with what they find at the end. Its only to pull you in, and make you feel, something. I see that this for you and your perception of the story took a different meaning, then maybe another reader. Either way, I thank you for your reply.

      April 10, 2014 at 2:46 pm

  3. I would love to know how Nephila finds the blogs of other women. She claims to have a family she cares about, but it appears that all she does is troll the internet spewing her hate

    Keep pursuing your self-reflection, it’s the best path towards healing

    xoxo

    April 12, 2014 at 6:43 am

    • Haha..quite possibly she just searches for particular tags.
      Thank you for your encouragement.

      April 12, 2014 at 4:40 pm

  4. complicitgrace

    Holy shit….did you hit the feelings on the head of the nail…all of those you described…wow..ty

    April 12, 2014 at 7:45 am

    • Thank you Grace. I found that speaking honestly, no matter how vulnerable you are making yourself is the only way to express true feelings. This I have found to be true in writing, as well as in everyday life. I am happy you enjoyed this piece. Thank you for your reply.

      April 12, 2014 at 4:42 pm

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