So, I have been slacking on my Blogging 101 assignments. Life has been pulling me in multiple directions lately. I have a tendency to constantly fill my time slots up before I have actually confirmed anything…I am a planner, and I need to know the what when where and why of everything. I sound difficult don’t I? Well, I am..so what..probably a good reason as to why I am single, ha!
OK, so now I have to tell you why I wrote my last post. Well honestly, I didn’t like the challenge, it made me think too hard. I posted a silly poem, and every damn line rhymed (open mouth, insert finger, now gag…I said GAG!!, oh, that’s right, no gag reflex..) TMI?
What can I say about it though? It was a new design for me to use in expressing real feelings. It felt uncomfortable posting in that way. I am not sure why. It is easier for me to tell you straight up that this was about a guy, (duh), that I totally dig, (obviously), and the desert was the plot setting cause that’s where I live hahaha..there done and done…wait no? Not done..uughh ok..what else can I say?
Well I switched it up on ya, like a pinch hitter..hey batta-batta-batta-batta….For those of you not so sports inclined..check out the link..yes I am being lazy, I shouldn’t have to explain this. I guess because it WOULD be easier for me to go into detail about how smitten I am over my blue eyed crush. Instead the allure of a poem, leaves a crumb trail without being so blunt..and lets your own imagination soar with it.
I suppose it could also tie in nicely with an older assignment of ours where we had to write about our dream reader. Check out the link …I rather enjoyed that one.
Well, I did the assignment, however I feel that if I was in high school again, my literature teacher would probably give me a “C” on this and tell me she has seen pigs give a better effort, (yes she actually told me this..wrote it in red ink on a final paper) Ahhh, how I miss those days. Well, what do you think? You are my readers…what do you enjoy more from me? Forced word vomit or speaking from my heart in a more natural setting?
And now a little ditty..love me some Jude..
The breeze cools my skin, as your breath takes me in
I loose myself in your eyes, a gaze to contend any prize
They are blue as the ocean, and warm as the sand
Fiery as the sun, setting on the land
As twilight lays its blanket across the sky
I feel your hand upon my thigh
As you pull me in to your embrace
We have never been this close, face to face
I want to taste your lips on mine
Your salty sweetness, so divine
My heart has quickened, to a much faster beat
And you are sending shivers from my head to my feet
When my head stops spinning and our eyes meet once more
I know you are mine, to love…forever more..
The symbol for chaos – noun – a state of utter confusion or disorder.
So, I have been away for a few days…lost in remorse, confusion, whole meaning of life.. deep sort of stuff. A recent event has shaken my soul so deeply to the core, I needed a few days before I could even put the event into words. Debated on even writing about it here, but as this outlet has brought much peace to my heart and mind, thought why not.
I have slacked on my tasks for ZerotoHero due to this, but never fear, I don’t ever put down a task without seeing it to an end, so never fear my fellow classmates, you will see me in your feed soon enough. For now, I must get this out of my mind the only way I know how. As always, comments are always welcome.
20:35, alarms are sounding…in my position and circumstance, I must respond to them, my authority where I live asks this of me. Normal response time is less than 5 minutes, check building number, silence alarms, now must trek down to building to check for any emergencies, and call station for false alarm and to not dispatch. Residents in their pajamas great me by name as I walk by them, also in my pajamas. Damn it, of course a light jacket was not enough to keep the breezy night air from penetrating my thread worn pajamas. Once at my destination, was as always is, a kid pulled the alarm, or a false trip. Witnesses saying an adult female pulled it, after fighting with her brother, then ran off. Typical, even adults now-a-days have no sense of responsibility. These alarms are here for EMERGENCIES..get it?
So, now trekking back to the office to call alarm company to not dispatch fire department, and go to maintenance shop to find the reset tool. Thirty minutes later, I am now back in my own apartment, ready for bed, begging for the pillow under my head as the week has worn itself on me. No sooner had I drifted off to sleep, was I jerked awake by the sounds of the alarms once more. Grumbling some obscene words under my breathe, throwing clothes on , arm going through head hole, now pants on inside out, ugghh fingers work the zipper! I am tired of these “cry wolf” scenarios…
I grab the essential, office keys, phone, and of course my mace. The demographics where I reside, well, let’s just say, a girl must always protect herself. My mace comes in handy enough, or like my mom always said, a kick to the nuts and run was fail proof. Now heading out the door, deafened by the pounding sounds of the alarms echoing through the concrete halls, I check my phone. What I thought had only been an hour or two, was actually 04:48 in the morning! Now even more irritated that I could have slept (and really used) that one more hour I would have had.
This time, my maintenance supervisor who also lives on property, met me half way, both of us struggling a good morning under our breath that floated out in the crisp air. We tag team it usually, I go silence, while he resets. Had I known what was about to happen to me, I would much rather have been one of those sleepers that the world could be ending and be oblivious. However, I am not that fortunate, never have been. The next two hours were to etch itself into my memory, I fear for eternity.
As we crossed the parking lot, what appeared to be a belligerent man yelling about the alarms and to call 9-1-1 came stumbling towards us. For privacy purposes, I will call my fellow co-worker, Curtis, yelled at the man to go back inside his home. The man we will call Jared, yelled back he had pulled the alarm, which Curtis retorted, “You can’t pull the fucking alarms,’ its for emergencies, go back in your apartment”….
Now..let us back up a second…..
A short sweet background for you is that the woman who had earlier pulled the alarm, resides in the building this man came from. She lives with her elderly mother, whom allows her to be a squatter there along with the other drug addicts, and down right troublesome characters. If you haven’t clued in yet, I am a property manager for an apartment complex. So, these people have given us issues and problems, and I was looking for any reason to get rid of them, however there are laws in housing that makes it much harder to do that, even if they are bad news.
So, as Curtis turns to proceed to the office, I stop, and turn towards the man who is now about a yard from me. My hands in my pocket, I turn the safety off of my mace…ready for anything really. I do a quick lot check and only see him, but you can never be too cautious. My Sandman’s grogginess effect wearing off, and the alarms still banging my ear drums make for a lot of confusion. When the man, Jared, who had been clutching his arms to his chest, stretches them to his sides…his once crisp white t-shirt, suddenly darkens, instantly, pooling out and making strange patterns across it. “I was stabbed”, he gurgles. Now realizing his demeanor was NOT of a drunken person, but struggles of a man in pain…his original sound of sarcasm was of one who was in shock..and now, I, was the one, in an utter state of chaos.
Frozen, locked in that moment, I wanted to speak but could find no words, I wanted to run, but found myself only staring, I wanted to help but my feet were laced with concrete shoes. There is always the thought of, “What if I was in this moment, what would I do”…well..I panicked, at first. I could see myself almost like an out of body experience. Thoughts flying through my head. Was I asleep, warm in my bed dreaming this horrible scene? No..this is real, I could tell by the frost touching my bare toes in my flip flops. Where the alarms rang in my ears, now only the sound of my heart beating harder than I had ever felt. The adrenaline forcing itself so instantly through my body, that my head felt cold and light as if my body was being lifted off of the ground. My 9mm sitting safely in my apartment, I craved the heaviness of it in my pocket.
Then, a rushing came to my ears, and Curtis’ voice and face as he grabbed me shaking me to call 9-1-1. I came to…I rushed to the man, helped him to sit down, and pressed his hands back to his chest to apply the pressure, slow the severed artery from spilling the blood over unto him. Aware now of my surrounding fully, I am now on the phone with the dispatcher, clearly communicating, and repeating the questions, reporting back to dispatch, check my back, not knowing if the person who had done this would come running to finish the job, and me being a bystander be in that cross fire. Curtis returned to my side with gloves and towels for us. We cared for the man as best as two civilians with zero training could think to do. As we adjusted Jared, with every beat of his heart, the blood flowed from his would, unlike anything I have seen in the movies. The smell, the look, the feel of human blood in the quantity that it was, haunts me..every time I blink, or let my mind wander.
The rest was the clean up, paramedics, fire trucks, police, detectives. Breaking in the door and finding the woman who had earlier caused the disturbance by falsely pulling the alarms with blood on her hands. Her screaming and fighting, the pain in her voice, the pain of her inner demons that were in her she was battling. I couldn’t help but feel absolutely helpless for both of these individuals. I was angry, sad, distraught. Tired and feeling like a semi truck had hit me, finally allowed to leave after giving multiple statements, I got home, and threw myself into the shower. I had been careful to not get blood on me..but as I sat there, letting the heat soak into me, small blood droplets that had splattered on my feet started to wash down the drain..
Bile rose in my throat, and the need to purge was upon me. I scrubbed my body ferociously, trying to remove the whole scene from my mind, erase it…the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind..just wanting them to cease. As soon as I was done, drying off..I had to get back in, the feeling of being impure was still there. No matter how long or hard I washed, or hot the water was, the pictures were etched into my eyes.
The rest of the day carried on, as it had too. Kids were taken to school, but I swear, I do not remember one single traffic light. Phones at work answered, media to direct to PR, clients to serve…and the questions in my head. Where previously, just hearing about a situation like this, I might have different feelings. Might chime in with the rest, “Just another crack head off of the streets”…but, he was a person…he bled, just as any of us would have. He screamed, and moaned in agonizing pain, as would I..he was scared..as would any of us be…
This, ties around to a lovely story I read on Totally Inspired Mind… She writes very elegantly of a boy, Jonathan, who is inspiring..where this story is one of uplifting encouragement, and a palette cleanser to mine, there is a story none the less, which the lesson in itself, I hope you as a reader will find. We MUST recognize each others innocence, and vulnerability as a species. We must find our inner humanitarian..we must “serve one another”, love, care for, show compassion..protect..if we do not..it is all for naught. Please follow this link to the amazing quote from a movie of the late and great Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator, and read the quote of the Jewish Barber..one of my favorites of all times..
So, before we get started **DISCLAIMER** – this is NOT about some crush rant on Ashton Kutcher or the film. This post is in response to our assignment today from Blogging University. Our mission if we chose to accept it was to create a post revolving around our About page. Seems very egocentric to me, why would someone want to come to my page to read about me? They can just click on Who..Me? and see what I want them to see, if they choose to know anything about me.
I am not very attention seeking, so this challenge, well…is challenging. How do I freaking write about why I chose my “About me” profile?? This seems so absolutely boring to me, as I am not a very exciting person to begin with, however none of you know that. If I want you to think I am adventurous, then that’s what I could show you. O.K., calm down..focus..hmm..my analytic mind hopping off on one of her damn bunny trails again.
So, let us dissect…and no..I don’t mean the pretty butterfly..but maybe you are getting the hint towards the title?
My mind truly runs a million miles a second. If you read the simple short and sweet statement, it is very chaotic up in here. I really need a release and source of venting all of these pent up words in my mind. Where do these thoughts come from? Well, from emotions my fellow bloggers and readers. Where do the emotions stem from?? The wonderful biochemistry of our brain, from the Limbic system! Have I lost you yet..hang in there, no lobotomy required, I eventually get around to making my points. I like taking the scenic routes..
So, without being a neurologist (which I am not), or being totally obsessed with Quantum Physics (which I am), it is fairly easy to see how it is all related. The very interesting theory named by Edward Lorenz, basically states that our cause and effect could start at the one point, but the end result could always vary.
Take for example, and this is very rudimentary, but you go to work, taking the same route everyday. One day there is road construction and a detour is placed in front of you, no other option but to go down this new path. Seems typical enough right? This happens a lot. So, you go along with the signs leading you to your destination, however, now you are late. You show up and the V.P. of the company is there, looking for heads to chop to save overhead. You are so nervous, you forget to tuck in your shirt, tie your tie, wear your name tag, and now fumbling for the most impressive words to keep you from being one of the heads chopped. In your nervous demeanor, you now trip over your own two feet, and slamming into this already very forbidding person, spill extremely hot coffee in his face! Now, collecting your things and placing them into a filing box, you are headed out the door, back down that same detour….
What the heck just happened? Did the detour throw you off your game that much? Had it not been there, would you have been early, pulled together as usual, quick thinking and slick speaking. Shaking hands and receiving that promotion you deserved?
So, in this example, I showed you how we let actions, dictate our reactions, and emotions which in turn is that snow globe effect of thoughts spinning around in our heads, the “what-if’s”, “if only”..woulda coulda shoulda….The way I come out of this fog, the only peace I ever get, is to let some of these thoughts escape..my fingers typing feverishly across the keys..I literally go on auto pilot. So, I guess I can’t be faulted for what my mind decides to disclose..if, you believe in the butterfly effect..
My hopes, leading from my profile..are to inspire others..to let loose, let your chaos flow. Maybe not in your blog, if you love flowers and are passionate about that, more power to you..but maybe, one day you can wear your hair down..or come home and spin your wife around while she is cooking dinner and deliver the most passionate kiss ever. Whatever it is…change your cause..you never know what effect you might receive..
Check out this pretty awesome video of cause and effect with the score of one of my favorite trip hop artists..
How many times have we held each others gazes, locked in another realm where time stands still around us.
Our conversations drawn out, never awkward, only lingering on every syllable as to make it last.
The electrifying current between us like a Tesla coil could incinerate any being who dare walk between us.
With each passing life, we are like two parallel lines, never intersecting.
Fated to stand by each others side and behind this glass wall.
Never to hold..to touch..to slap..to kiss..to laugh..to wipe the tears..to scream..to make love.
We can only share each others secrets and clasp our hearts to each owns chest as to not let anyone know our feelings.
They can never know…they would never understand.
Such judgments would be laid upon us as to smite out our spirits..and our undying secret love.
My inspiration for what flows off of my fingers and from my mind is like trying to comprehend how we can go to sleep and keep breathing. It just happens. My brain always functions much quicker than my mouth (which has many times over gotten me into trouble). “Think before you speak”…oh how many times I could tell you I have heard that! My thoughts fly through my cerebral cortex, just as quickly as a neuron fires. When the urge is there and I am not in front of my laptop, I either scribble a short hand illegible note, or the moment is lost forever.
The decision to blog came to me just as quickly. I figured, well now is as good of time as any, and if I don’t do it now, I never will. Writing brings peace to me where I would otherwise stay up in bed, staring at the ceiling with these words T-boning my jumping sheep..It has also become the most therapeutic way for me to cope with stress and the difficult daily process we call life. Breaks down the day, reflect, learn from mistakes, create new ideas, clean slate.
To be perfectly honest, follow the link to my first post, was inspired by events that continued to stir up in my life, until I decided to literally rip the band-aid. I cannot explain to the full extent as to where my decisions come from. However, when I do, or when I commit to something, no one better stand in my way. Once this happens, I find eternal peace. I figure, well, I can sit around worrying and pondering forever more, or make a choice and stick with it. Two outcomes are possible, I make a poor choice and I deal with the consequences, or I propel myself in the direction I wanted to go. Either way, a lesson learned or a reward, I have bettered myself. And no one but ME got me there.
I decided to take up this blog challenge for myself because a) I have no idea what I am doing, and b) I want a sense of belonging in this vast cyber world. I love writing. It has always given me a sense of peace and an outlet for me. My self..wandering through my mind, in a daze with pieces of poetry, lost sentences trailing off into the never..
Writing provides the stability where I feel I have none. The anomaly is that I also feel the most free. I can be me, or not..I can be fiction, or reality, subdued or chaotic. I honestly do not have a preconceived idea of what will come of this. I do not look to it for a million followers, or likes. I share my words simply because I want another person out there feeling the same thing to read my words and feel content..”I am not the only one”….No, you are not my friend…you are not alone..
The other reason I am choosing to blog publicly rather than in a journal means exposure. Again, I do not mean with popularity. I simply mean..nakedness..unclad. When you write in a journal, there is a tendency to leave out key notes..descriptions, the details and fine print. Why? Because we are writing to ourselves. We know the minute descriptions..we do not need to write them down. However, when writing publicly, you are more aware of the fine points needing to be expressed so someone can follow along with your story. Without these details, one would be lost in your words, and I don’t mean that in a good way. It’s almost like a connect the dots, but there are numbers missing and the picture can never fully complete itself.
With that being said, there is not much of a filter applied. My topics will vary. Some will be guided based on the journey I chose to partake in with the Zero to Hero challenge. Others will be the ball of yarn in my brain…trying to untangle the knots. Either way, the audience I look to attract will be the ones who find me by chance, and follow me due to their passion for what I have written. Whether it is a love hate relationship, my purpose is to solely stimulate the feelings, hidden deep within us. Either way, welcome to my minds eye..carry on if you care, and feedback, always welcomed.
Check out this link to learn more about the Zero to Hero Blog assignment.